Staying Sane While Serving a High Maintenance Congregation – Transcript

Jim Latimer: Welcome to Coaching for Interims. We are about empowerment for interim ministers: best practices and quick help from interims for interims – wisdom from the field. My name is Jim Latimer and it’s my honor and joy to have with me today Reverend Dr. Jill Small. Jill is an interim pro who has been in this niche ministry for a long time. She’s seen a lot, and is articulate about it. I’m delighted that she’s here to speak with us. So Jill, what best practice or bit of wisdom, would you like to share with our listeners in the segment?

Jill: Hi Jim! It’s great to see you again. I’d like to talk a little bit today about something that I think we experience, but are somewhat reluctant to talk about, and that is dealing with demanding, high maintenance congregations. Not so much high maintenance individuals, but high maintenance congregations – when the cumulative effect of requests or demands and needs begins to feel overwhelming. And I’d like to start, if I may, with an anecdote.

This is when I did my student ministry. I worked for two years in an extremely affluent large congregation. I’ll refrain from saying where, but suffice it to say there were many members of that congregation who worked in high finance, or who were principal officers in fortune 100 companies. These were folks who were used to being able to say, “This is what I want,” and they got it right away. And because there were a lot of people in the congregation who fell into that sort of demographic, I felt very privileged to watch how the Senior Minister in that congregation navigated competing demands, and how he maintained an authentic presence in the role of the senior minister with those competing demands.

So, that was a really wonderful thing to observe, in my formation period. I have now served a number of churches, not quite as affluent as that one, but churches that would be characterized in their communities as high profile, tall steeple, affluent, powerbroker type congregations. I do not for a moment, want to suggest that the only place where there can be high demand is in an affluent congregation, but in my experience, because people in those congregations of affluence are perhaps more accustomed to getting what they want, when they want it, there is a kind of expectation that you will provide that. You know, you work for them, so you will provide what they want, when they want it just because they’re paying for it.

I feel like this is an area we don’t talk about very often, so I really appreciate the opportunity to do so, because I would be surprised if I was the only person in ministry who has occasionally bumped into this. One of the things I found really helpful, Jim, is using an analogy with folks in a congregation. And the analogy of the role of the pastor for these folks is this: you’ve hired me because of some education and expertise that I have. And I do work for you exactly the same way that your physician works for you. If I’m your physician, and I say you have diabetes, you can’t come back to me and say “I don’t want to have diabetes. Instead, give me a pulled muscle in my left arm.” That’s not the way it works.

Most people can understand that when they’re talking about their physician. But the role of the pastor has, I think it’s honest to say, has diminished in terms of its being seen as a role that is respected just by virtue of the role over the past say 30 or 40 years or so. And I think being able to claim that authority as the pastor, not as an individual. So if somebody doesn’t like me as Jill, that’s one thing. And not everybody is going to like me, and not everybody is going to relate to me, and that’s okay. But in my role as their pastor, I think I have a right to be respected in that role. Maybe that’s a bit of a ramble, but I do think that these things are connected, that, when there is a high maintenance or high demand situation, it is okay to say, “As your pastor, this is what I see, and this is my diagnosis, and this is my prescription especially in an interim time, and of course, you don’t have to take the prescription. You can put that on the shelf and do nothing with it, but it’s my job to say this is what I think will help you get better.”

And it’s not only in my interest to do that, it’s in the interest of the next person who will follow me, who also will be claiming that role as your pastor. Of course, you want to say yes to as many things as you possibly can, but that doesn’t mean you can say yes to everything. And you need to also maintain your own personal boundaries, like, “I cannot give you everything you want at the expense of my responsibility to give other folks in the congregation what they’re looking for as well.”

Jim Latimer: What I loved about that are a number of things. You framed it in the context of, “I am here to serve you; I’m here to serve you as your Interim Pastor, and as as your pastor during this time the best way I can serve you right now is by X,” – whatever this idea is, or whatever this piece is – and frame it in that way. And then that sets up the conversation between the parishioners and the pastor about, “What is healthy ministry?” and, “What are we doing?” and, “Which things during the interim time do we want to get going?” right?

Jill: Yes. One of the other things that I think it can offer is an opportunity to discuss if – if – the conversation becomes about demands and money, because sometimes a person will say, and fortunately this has not happened often, but sometimes a person will say, “If you don’t do “X,” I’m going to stop pledging,” or “I’m going to go to another congregation,” so that kind of a threat can be intimidating. I think that’s where you have to have this kind of sense of pastoral authority to say “I’m not going to let that intimidate me because money is not the driver of mission.” Money can facilitate mission, but our mission and ministry is not to try to placate members so that they will give us their money.

So that can create an opportunity in an interim period. It may be an uncomfortable opportunity, but an opportunity, nonetheless, to talk about our values and how we respond collectively. And I hope the minister is not just hung out there alone to deal with that. But how do we address that
when there’s leverage being applied to try to favor a specific person’s or a specific group’s interest over and above those of the greater wider congregation?

Jim Latimer: Right. That’s beautiful. So staying sane as an interim pastor in a high maintenance congregation – a big piece of that – is respecting them as individuals and also respecting yourself, and not just as a person, but in your role as pastor, right? And boundaries and everything.

Jill: I’ll say one last thing. Somebody said to me, “You you seem to have such thick skin. Things just roll off.” And my response was, “I don’t really, but for 15 minutes, or so, I can pretend that I do.” So yes, it bothers me if somebody says, “We don’t like that Jill did this.” But you can’t let that derail your purpose. You can’t let it derail your mission and your own mission and your ministry to this congregation, and to bring them through this interim time
in a healthy way.

Jim Latimer: And maybe more healthy than when they started – maybe. And you cultivate a private life as well that you can go to and not take that criticism with you. You can let it go.

Jill: That’s right. And to have clergy colleagues with whom you share and commiserate in an appropriately confidential way. You know, having a support system is important, whether it’s your personal family support system, or a collegian support system, that’s also very important.

Jim Latimer: Beautiful. Thank you so much, Jill, for sharing your wisdom and thoughts about high maintenance congregations. There’s lots more that we could say here. I’m sure all of our listeners have experienced in one way or another congregations that are high demanding, and how to serve them well and how to be well in that process. Thank you, Jill.

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